Without You
by lange
Summary: A short letter fic on love and loss.


Disclaimer: I don't own _Newsies_, nor am I affiliated with Disney in any way. 

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_January 8, 1901_

Dutchy, 

Even on the day that you died, it was her that they went to console. 

Do you remember the evening you first asked me out? The two of you had broken up two weeks before, and there wasn't a doubt in anybody's mind that you would soon be back together again. I remember how much I hated myself for hoping that wasn't true. I wanted you to be happy, I told myself. Even if it wasn't with me. But I was selfish then. People would whisper to one another about how the two of you were _made_ for each other, how you had been best friends since "practically forever." They all knew that you were still in love with her. Just give it time, they said. You'd come around. And every time I heard those whispers, I died a little bit inside. I knew that you would never be complete without her, that you would never fully give yourself to anyone else. But there was this little voice deep inside me saying that this was my chance, that I could make you just as happy as she did. I wish that I had never listened to that voice. 

I'll never forget the way your crystal blue eyes faded to a smoky midnight color in the glow of the approaching dusk. The light from a single burning oil lamp cast shadows that danced across your face in a fiery orange halo, and the shy smile that curved your beautiful lips made my breath catch in my throat. You were so stunningly perfect to me in that moment. It was as if God shaped you with His own hands, lovingly forming each and every exquisite feature of your glorious face. I felt so incredibly blessed to even be given the chance to behold such an ethereal creature. 

You spoke softly, as if unsure of your own words. "You wouldn't want to go out sometime, would you? With me, I mean." You cleared your throat uncomfortably. 

I don't think I had ever experienced such a moment of pure joy and hope before in my life. It was as if everything that I had ever wished for and dreamed about had finally come true. Tears came to my eyes at the flood of emotion that welled up inside me, and my heart swelled so much in my chest that I thought that it would burst. My voice quavered when I answered that I would love to, and although I could have lived a million lifetimes in that instant, I was forced to hastily exit the room for fear that I would collapse. A deluge of doubts and fears overwhelmed me, and my hands shook uncontrollably as I grasped the door handle. When I turned to look back at you, you had already turned away, the longing in your eyes painfully evident as you silently watched her. 

It was on our one year anniversary that I decided to end it. It's funny, isn't it? We lasted for a whole year, and still everybody viewed our relationship as temporary. I heard the murmurs when they thought that I wasn't listening. I had to have been deaf, blind, and incomprehensibly stupid to not know what they thought of me. I would always be her replacement. They spoke in hushed tones, their voices filled with reverence as they praised her unwavering strength, her continued devotion to you. No one thought for a second that you were ever really in love with me. They wondered how I could be so oblivious. 

I never was, though. Of course I knew that you were still in love with her. How could I not? Every time you said that you loved me, I knew that it was her you were speaking to. Every time she entered the room, I was forced to watch your eyes light up and then fill with pain as you remembered what she had done to you. It was as if every single time you saw her, you lost her all over again. I used to wonder what I had done that could possibly be so horrible that God chose to punish me in such a way. And then I would remember that it wasn't God who placed me into this situation. I freely chose to go through this Hell every day of my life. And you know what? Every single time that I looked at you, I knew that it was worth it. 

I tried so hard to make you happy, Dutchy. I wanted you to love me so much. Do you have any idea what I put myself through for you? Of course you don't. You were always too caught up in her to ever notice. I once starved myself for weeks on end in the hope that maybe if I was skinny enough, you would look at me the way you looked at her. And after I passed out from malnutrition and sheer exhaustion, I pasted a false smile on my face and explained that I must have gotten overly warm. I wasn't even disappointed when you nodded absently and accepted this weak explanation. It wasn't as if you didn't care. In your own way, you did care about me. It was just that you were never fully _with_ me. You had given her all of your heart and soul, and there simply wasn't anything left there for me. 

I know that you thought I was blissfully unaware of your feelings for her. You thought that you couldn't be doing anything wrong just as long as you kept it a secret. You thought that you could go on loving her, and it would all be okay as long as no one knew and no one was getting hurt. But I _did_ know, and God, did it hurt me. How do you think that I felt knowing that every time you kissed me, you were thinking of her? You weren't fooling anyone, Dutchy. The whole damn lodging house knew of the tragic love affair going on right under their roof. They knew that you were still carrying the torch for her after all this time, and they knew that she would have gladly accepted you with open arms had you only reached out. And they knew that I was only in the way. 

After a year of hoping and praying and waiting for you to return my love, I gave up. I knew that you could never be mine. I had all these noble ideas of telling you to go back to her, to admit that you still loved her. All that self-sacrificing bullshit. I just wanted you to be happy. But God, how I wanted it to be me you were happy with. 

Our one year anniversary was the hardest day of my life. I watched you that morning before you woke up, memorizing every feature of your beautiful face. You looked so peaceful while you were sleeping. Every breath you took brought tears to my eyes, because I knew that it was one less breath you would take by my side. You were never truly mine, but I knew that after that evening I wouldn't even be able to pretend anymore. I was finally going to let you go. It was the right thing to do. 

But I was never to be given that chance to make things right. You died that afternoon, ripped from all of our lives in such a tragic, meaningless accident. And now that you're gone, I wonder whatever possessed me to want to let you go in the first place. How could I have ever thought that I could willingly stand by and let you slip from my life? Right now I would give anything in the world to spend just another minute, another second, in your arms. I wouldn't even give a damn if you were thinking of her or not. I just want to be with you, to see your smiling face and beautiful blue eyes one more time. I would give anything for that. 

When they came to tell us what had happened, she was the first person they went to. It was as if I was merely an afterthought. Even after all she did to you, all the pain she put you through, she was the first person they told. You thought that your world would end when you found out that she had cheated on you. Maybe it did. Maybe you died long before that horrible day, and maybe that last year you spent with me was simply a formality. God knows that you were never truly alive when you were without her. 

She was properly heartbroken when you broke up with her, of course. She had never meant to hurt you. Everyone was sure that you would forgive her within a week. It was an accident, they said. Don't give up the best thing that ever happened to you just because of some stupid mistake. 

I'll never know why you didn't take their advice, just like I'll never know what it was that possessed you to ask me out in the first place. Maybe you thought that you would get over her in time. Maybe you thought that you would learn to love me in the way that you loved her. But you know what? It doesn't matter. If you somehow came back to me today, I wouldn't even ask how or why. I would just accept you as a gift from God, and I would love you enough for the both of us. I wouldn't even care that you had no love left to give me, that all of your love was for her alone. I miss you that much, Dutchy. 

You know, it's funny. As I write this letter, I am alone. Only Specs is in here with me. The other guys are all in the common room crowded around her, their every effort focused on easing her pain and sorrow. And you know what? I don't even care. Oh, I feel sorry for her. She loved you just as much as I did. But she didn't love you more, Dutchy. All she would have had to do was tell you what you so desperately wanted to hear. I have no doubt that, had she only said the words, you would have left me for her in a second. Because of that, I feel sorry for her. 

Specs looks over every once in awhile, his eyes filled with grief and pain. I want to comfort him, because he was your best friend. He never said anything, but I think he knew how I felt. Maybe that's why he's not in the other room with everyone else. It's ironic that two of the people who loved you most are alone in their grief. It tells you a lot about life, doesn't it? 

As I end this letter, I just want to remind you of how much I love you. I hope God is keeping you safe up there in Heaven. It hurts to know that it is not me you are waiting for. But I also wanted to let you know that I will not make your mistake. I love you so much, Dutchy. Every minute that I spend here on Earth is torture without you. But I'm finally letting you go now. Maybe if you had been able to let her go, things could have been different between us. But you never did. And every day for one single, precious year, you died without her. I will not let myself die without you. 

Love always, 

Eleanor 


End file.
